How our Beliefs Contribute to Conflict

“Beliefs are assumptions about what is true.”
Source Unknown

We all have beliefs about how the world should be. And while there is nothing wrong with having these beliefs, our attachment to them (i.e. “What I believe is the truth”) is the primary source of conflict in our lives. What’s even worse is that our lack of awareness of this makes true resolution of these conflicts very challenging.

For example, people typically have different beliefs about being on time. Some people think that if they are not a half hour early, they might be late and be judged by others as a result. Others think that if they are not “fashionably late” others will think they are not important. Embedded in both of these beliefs is an assumption that one should change ones behavior to avoid, and try to control, other people’s judgments. None of these beliefs are wrong, but neither is the “truth”. They are just beliefs.

People I coach around conflict are sometimes reluctant to let go of being right about their beliefs. “But it just isn’t right to be late,” someone said to me once. This is very subjective, however. Our beliefs about being on time are tied to our beliefs about how to spend time in general, and how busy we should be, and how productive we should be, and what is “wasting time”. Again, none of these beliefs are wrong, but they are different in different cultures and circumstances.

While we are often driven by our beliefs in conflict, we are rarely aware of them. As a way of helping you identify your own beliefs I have listed some commonly held beliefs below:

• Conflict means I am incompetent
• Growth is good
• A good marriage does not have conflict. If there is conflict something is wrong
• Conflict is an opportunity to grow
• People should not complain, and dealing with conflict directly is really complaining
• If I say what I really want, others may go along without wanting to and blame me so it is better to not state your needs
• If other people want to know my opinion they will ask
• If people don’t ask, they are not interested in me
• If I ask, others will think I am prying
• If I bring up a conflict to someone and they become upset, I am responsible for them becoming upset
• Extra money should be saved
• Extra money should be shared
• Extra money should be enjoyed
• Spouses should not say “no” to each others requests
• If I raise a difficult issue with a co-worker and they get upset it is my fault for bringing it up
• People who work harder are more valuable to an organization.
• When people talk about personal issues at work they are wasting time
• When people assume responsibility for a task they should do it without complaining or asking for help.

All of these beliefs are fine as beliefs. But if we become too attached to them as the only way the world should be, they will unconsciously drive our actions and create more conflict in our lives.

______________________

(c) 2004 Cheshire Mediation. All rights reserved. You are free to use material from the Conflict Management Monday eZine in whole or part as long as you include complete attribution, including live web site link and e-mail link. Please notify Cheshire Mediation when and where the material will appear.

__________________________________________

Please feel free to pass Conflict Management Monday along to any associate you feel may benefit form this information.

To subscribe to our other publication, Great Meetings Monday, click here

To unsubscribe to this publication click the link in the right column

___________________________________