To Have a Difficult Conversation Well

The following is a checklist compiled from Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen. It provides some good tips on how to approach a difficult conversation.

1. Move from certainty to curiosity; from who is right to exploring what you don’t know. If you really knew everything about this situation, there would not be a conflict.

2. Embrace and explore both stories. (Not either their story or yours, but theirs and yours).

3. Separate intent from impact. You don’t know what they intended to do, but you can speak to the impact of their actions on you.

4. Avoid the blame frame. Focus on what you each contributed.

5. Do not enter a difficult conversation to deliver a message, but to learn.

6. Feelings matter, but venting does not help. Communicate your feelings, but be careful to describe your feelings carefully.

7. Judgments and accusations are not feelings.

8. When describing feelings do: begin with “I feel statements”, share the full spectrum of feelings, and ask for their acknowledgment; Do not: evaluate, attribute blame, judge them, or try to fix things.

9. Be aware of how your self image might be challenged. Ask yourself what is at stake. Build a more complex self-image to maintain better balance.

10. Ask questions to understand, but only ask if you really have a question. Arguing without understanding is not persuasive.

11. Try to observe the situation as if you were not a part of it or as if you were in a balcony watching the situation and yourself in it.

12. See what you can learn about the situation and yourself.

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