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“Observe!! There are few things as important, as religious, as that.” Frederick Buechner, minister

Listening to Ourselves

Much has been written about how important it is to listen in conflict. What is less often stressed, and equally as critical, is listening to ourselves. This is important because it is the strong emotions, intentions and belief systems in us that most often keep us from being able to listen well. Unless we can identify and work with these internal barriers, we will have no ability to implement the skills we know work. So, I have decided to dedicate this issue to a list of questions you can ask yourself the next time you are in a conflict. You can ask:

• What am I feeling right now? Am I reacting to my feelings?
• Who am I blaming for my pain?
• What do I really want?
• How am I keeping myself from getting it?
• What do I fear most in this conversation?
• What if what I fear most happened?
• Am I present to the other person? Am I focused and interested?
• What am I taking personally that is not intended to be a personal attack?
• What is my real motive for this conversation?
• Would I rather understand the other person, or be right?
• Am I competing? If so, what am I trying to win?
• How much is my ego tied to my beliefs or to being right?
• Can I accept all that I might discover about myself without judging it?

(c) 2003 Cheshire Mediation. All rights reserved. You are free to use material from the Conflict Management Monday eZine in whole or part as long as you include complete attribution, including live web site link and e-mail link. Please notify Cheshire Mediation when and where the material will appear.

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