Conflict as Opportunity

The Chinese character for the word “crisis” is the character for the word danger on top of the character for the word “opportunity”. Similarly, conflict can be either danger or opportunity. But what makes the difference.

Honestly, I haven’t met many people who enter conflict saying to themselves, “Oh how great. I have just been presented with another opportunity to grow!” Conflict makes most of us uncomfortable and we just want it to go away. But the irony is that in wanting to make it go away we often fail to look honestly at the conflict and make the changes needed to help it disappear. And our denial guarantees that the conflict continues. What we need is the courage to look at the conflict squarely – which means the courage to look at ourselves.

The first thing that must shift for us is the belief that if only other people change the conflict would go away. This belief is based in deep denial. The strategy of trying to get others to change has most likely never worked for us in the past, yet we continue to try it. The only real leverage in managing conflict comes from looking at ourselves and be willing to change.

So what opportunities might lie in conflict? What good could possible come out of something so difficult?

I believe conflict is a sign to us that something needs healing and it invites us to turn our attention to what is wounded. As our attention turns towards parts of our body when they ache, and we often make subsequent appointments with doctors, conflict is a sign that all is not well. Avoidance will not heal things.

In order to make things whole, we need to look squarely at the mess within us. What are my beliefs about myself and the person I am in conflict with? What are my buttons that are being pushed? What would it take to heal these buttons? Do I believe that I can heal them? What am I most afraid of? These are the deep places that conflict invites us to explore. In these questions lies the possibility of great freedom. In avoiding them we proceed at our own risk.

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