Blame and Contribution

In Difficult Conversations, Heen, Patton and Stone talk about the difference between blame and contribution. While trying to establish blame almost always leads to defensiveness and counter accusations, looking at how each party contributed to a conflict can be helpful. The difference is that blame only addresses the actions of one party and contribution assumes both parties did something to create the problem.

If our mindset is that the conflict is all one person’s fault, it will be hard to resolve it or to learn anything new that might keep the problem from repeating itself. Even if you believe your contribution is minor compared to that of the other parties, talking about your own contribution can help soften the other person so that they are more comfortable talking about their own contribution.

Contributions to conflicts can also be subtle. I once worked with a client who never addressed a conflict directly. While she believed the problem should have been obvious to her co-worker, her avoidance of it contributed to it. This is not to say the conflict was her fault. Fault, like blame assumes only one person contributed. Establishing fault is the role of the courts in legal matters. And while we may be tempted to establish fault in our interpersonal conflicts, doing so increases the risk that the conflict will escalate. If you are unsure of how you might have contributed, ask the other party what you could do differently in the future. This question will help you learn something new about yourself and break the cycle of conflict, while not implying blame.

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