Assumptions and how to work with them

I recently coached a couple through some difficult conversations they were having. Like many couples, the starting point was to get them to name what they were feeling rather than to dump their frustrations on the other. Before they started naming their frustrations the other knew something was wrong, they just did not know what it was. So when they started saying what they were feeling things started to shift.

There was more work to be done however. Like most people, this couple had many interpretations of events that they confused with “the truth”. For example, when conflict erupted one of them interpreted this as, “the relationship is ending”. When one of them was upset, the other interpreted it as, “I’m incompetent.” Asking for help or expressing vulnerable feelings was interpreted as being weak. When one would withdraw, the other would take it to mean that they were being punished.

None of these interpretations are wrong – but neither are they “the truth” about the situation. For each of them there are many other ways they could be interpreted. For example, rather than meaning the end of the relationship, conflict could be viewed as a part of life. My Italian relatives don’t view conflict as anything out of the ordinary or “wrong”. And rather than being weak, others might view expressing vulnerable feelings as being sensitive or trusting. Withdrawal could mean that someone had been hurt rather than they intended to punish us.

These alternative interpretations are no more correct than the ones my clients came up with. They do demonstrate however, that the conclusions we draw from events are very subjective. Our tendency to confuse interpretations with “the truth” is often our own worst enemy to working things out. Because as long as we are convinced that our interpretations are the truth, we will tend to only notice what supports our interpretations and we will not be able to really listen.

In most situation the meaning that we add to a situation (or the story we tell ourselves about what something means) contributes to conflicts. Most of us are not even aware of the fact that we are doing this. It all happens so fast that without a high degree of awareness we cannot separate what happened from what we tell ourselves about what happened.

What happened is that one person is upset. This is not the same as the relationship is over. What happened is that one person is anger. This is not the same as the other being incompetent. What happened is that someone expressed a vulnerable feeling. This is not the same someone being weak.

If you can separate your interpretation of a conflict from what actually happened, you will have uncovered a key to resolution.

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