Taking Things Personally

Some time ago I did a newsletter on giving and receiving feedback (see archives to view). Feedback is important because it can allow information to flow so that we can make change, resolve conflicts, and communicate more accurately. Often, however, we don’t view feedback as information. Rather we often exaggerate it, make it mean something about fundamental self worth, and resist it. We don’t take it as information about how we engage in the world, but rather as an indictment of our very being.

For example, if someone says to me, “I become distracted when you apologize before asking for something.” Upon hearing this I have a few choices. The most helpful choice is to keep the comment in its present context and take it as information about something I might do that distracts one person (and perhaps some others) from hearing me. What many of us tend to do, however, is to generalize feedback. In doing this we might think, “I’m a terrible communicator and I am wimpy and I lack the courage to say what I want.” Or, “What they really mean is that they don’t like me and they don’t think I am competent.”

While some of these exaggerations could be true, they are not a truthful interpretation of the initial comment and they often create defensiveness in ourselves that keeps us from hearing the initial feedback. If through our interpretations we condemn our very being, there is little that we can do to change things. If however we interpret the comment as important information about how we ask for things and how we are perceived, we can use it to make changes that might be helpful.

As you receive feedback pay attention to how you are spinning it. In general, the less spin the more useful the feedback will be. At our best, we view feedback only as information that could make us more effective.

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