Barriers to Listening - Wanting to Win

It is rare for people to feel really listened to and still experience conflict as a negative experience. So, it seems that it would be easy to keep conflict from escalating by just listening. However, listening is one of those activities that is easier said than done. In this e-zine I identify another powerful barrier to listening and talk about ways to overcome it.

Wanting to Win

If we really want to win the argument, it is hard to listen to others. In our culture we tend to think about conflict as a contest to win. We think that by winning things will get better for us. However, when we win, (and the other loses) things usually do not improve for us, because when people lose one battle they tend to gear up for the next one. One party winning at the expense of the other does not resolve conflict despite our deeply ingrained beliefs about conflict. I often tell families that if one member of the family is not happy, they have the ability to make the rest of the family unhappy. It is only when everyone is happy with an outcome that a conflict is truly resolved.

The way to overcome this barrier is to first increase awareness of our true motives for engaging in a conflict. Stop long enough to ask yourself, "What are my real motives for engaging in this conflict?" If our motives are to win, resolution is almost impossible. Once we have identified our motives, we are free to choose another goal. Some positive reasons for engaging in a difficult conversation might be to see what you can learn about yourself, to identify a solution that works for both parties, or to try to see the situation from another viewpoint. All of these motives are much more likely to lead to resolution than trying to win.

(c) 2002 Cheshire Mediation. All rights reserved. You are free to use material from the Conflict Management Monday eZine in whole or part as long as you include complete attribution, including live web site link and e-mail link. Please notify Cheshire Mediation when and where the material will appear.

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