Emotional Intelligence and Self Awarenes

Last month I wrote about the importance of emotional intelligence in navigating conflict. Because emotions often drive conflicts and affect how we both perceive and act, it is critical to gain some control over them. If we do not want to be a slave to our emotions, the first step is to become aware of what we are feeling.

While this may seem overly simple, many of us were strongly discouraged from being in touch with our feelings when we were growing up. When young boys cry they are told, “It’s all right”, or “Big boys don’t cry”. Young girls are strongly discouraged from showing anger. We learn to bury many of our feelings from the time we are infants.

Louise Senft writes that “self awareness allows us to be aware of the emotions that stimulate our impulses, enhancing our ability to decide appropriately what to do with such impulses. If we do not develop self awareness, we are at the mercy of our impulses.” If we want to respond in a thoughtful way, and not react, we must first recognize and acknowledge what is driving us to react.

The next time you are in a difficult conversation ask yourself “What feelings are associated with the situation? Anger? Sadness? Embarrassment? Fear? Jealousy? Frustration? Try to name the full spectrum of emotions. Sit with the feelings a while and try to make peace with them. As uncomfortable as they might feel, reacting to them seldom makes them go away. Rather, our reactions hurt others and start a cycle of violence that we can only break by having the courage to be aware without reacting.

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