Setting Boundaries

Many of the conflicts I work with have to do with boundary setting.

When people do not assert their own needs or rights or take on every asserted desire of others their boundaries are too loose. Loose boundaries may be due to a fear of conflict, failure, rejection or disapproval, making a mistake, hurting others feelings, or repercussions. Loose boundaries lead to resentment and frustration. When boundaries are too loose people are trying hard to meet the needs of others, whose needs may not be controllable or possible to meet, and not communicating or trying to meet your own needs.

When people always assert their desires and are rarely influenced by the needs and desires of others, their boundaries are too tight. Tight boundaries may be due to a fear of giving up control, looking incompetent, or failure. Tight boundaries lead to isolation and alienation. When we don’t let any other issues influence us we create resentment in others and we miss access to data that might be useful.

Setting appropriate boundaries means balancing your needs with the needs of others. It means you have the ability and the right to say “no” to those things that aren’t right for you, but also that you don’t habitually say “no” all of the time.

If you need help setting boundaries try some of the following suggestions:
1. Visualize what the situation will feel like if you continue to not set boundaries. Consider how the situation will continue to drain your energy. Is that what you want?
2. Ask yourself, “What is the worst thing that could happen?”
3. Explore the thing you fear most and why that is so fearful to you.
4. Find people who will support you in setting boundaries
5. Practice what you will say beforehand.

Adapted from Setting and Maintaining boundaries with Others by Mark Sachs & Associates. www.markasachs.com

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