Beyond “I” Statements

“I” Statements are commonly taught in communications trainings as a way to communicate feelings without blaming the other person. The formula is usually stated as” “I feel (name emotion), when you (describe behavior).

However, this formula can often be a sophisticated way of blaming the other person. While the formula describes your feelings, it can report someone else’s actions as the basis for your feelings.

A more profound level is to completely hold ourselves responsible for our own feelings. For example, while an “I” statement might say, “I feel angry when you criticize my work”, if we were not to think the other persons criticism was the basis for our anger, we might say, “I fear that I am not competent to do this work, and when you criticism me it triggers this fear.”

While it takes a lot of self-awareness and vulnerability to go beyond “I” statements, when we recognize that our negative feelings have to do primarily with ourselves and not others, we will be much more successful in communicating with others.

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