Seeing Ourselves as a Part of the Conflict

Most of us move through life thinking that conflict is being done to us. We think of ourselves as the victim of it, and rarely as a contributor to it. A story I recently read exemplifies this tendency:

“Not long ago I shared an elevator with two workmen. The elevator stopped on the fifth floor. One man stepped out without checking the floor number and his partner said, ‘Wrong floor. We’re going to the ninth.’ Here is the important point that says it all—the first man came back into the elevator, glanced at the rest of us, and muttered, ‘Elevator from hell.’

He located the problem. It was outside of him. The problem was the elevator, not his error.” (From Learning in Relationship by Ronald Short)

Only when we begin to see ourselves as a part of the pattern of our conflicts, and not outside and separate from them, will we begin to solve problems and move forward effectively.

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