Conflict Resolution Checklist

You can use the following checklist to plan for a difficult conversation.

1. Step back and slow down

• Most of us repeat unhelpful behaviors in conflicts because we are unaware of what we are doing
• We can only change habits through awareness
• Plan what you want to say to avoid saying something that will escalate a conflict

2. Be clear about your intentions and goals for the conversation

• If your most important goal is to win, blame, or to change the other party, the conflict will probably escalate, no matter what skills you use
• If your intention is to blame or change others, you don’t learn how to prevent the problem from repeating itself
• Only begin a conversation about a conflict in order to learn something new, express your views and feelings, or to problem solve.

3. Listen first to understand —Ask questions to explore the other parties story

• If others feel listened to they are more likely to try to understand you
• Leverage for change comes from understanding, not from convincing them you are right
• It is rare for people to feel truly listened to and still experience the conflict as negative
• Be aware of your internal barriers to really listening, such as thinking you are right and strong feelings about the subject matter

4. Express strong feelings without blame.

• Strong feelings make it impossible for us to really listen
• Use “I-statements”
• Be sure to state a feeling (as opposed to a judging statement) after saying “I feel”
• Be sure to carefully describe the other party’s behavior without adding evaluations to it
• The key is to be completely honest without blaming the other

5. Be aware of how your own self image might make you more defensive

• Avoid an all or nothing, black and white view of yourself. In this way you will become more open to negative feedback. (from Difficult Conversations by Stone, Patton, and Heene)

6. Take responsibility for your assumptions – The Ladder of Inferences

• Be willing to let go of your interpretation of something. Believing that our beliefs and conclusions about others are “the truth” creates a lot of conflict
• Share with others what you see as the raw data and how you interpret it (your thought process)
• When others speak about their conclusions, ask how they came to those conclusions (from The Fifth Discipline Field Book, by Peter Senge)

7. Find Common Ground

• Be sure to note areas of agreement as well as areas of disagreement
• Identifying areas of agreement reduce defensiveness

8. Explore what is most important to them (by listening and asking questions out of curiosity)

• People do not enter a conflict by stating what is most important to them
• You can only problem solve if you know what the other party really wants
• People usually enter a conflict with only one solution (theirs) to a problem

9. Let go of the myths of conflict (from Thomas Crum, The Magic of Conflict)

• Conflict is a contest
• Conflict is negative

10. Remember the three principals of the Aiki approach to conflict (from Thomas Crum, The Magic of Conflict)

• Acknowledge the conflict
i. If you resist, they will push even harder
ii. To acknowledge does not mean to agree
• Embrace the conflict
• Be willing to change

11. When initiating a conversation about a conflict:

• Ask the other party if they are willing to have a conversation
• Tell them the topic and the importance of the conversation to you in maintaining a good relationship
• Allow them to save face
• Be open to learning new information
• Find a private place
• Do all of points 1 – 10.