Conflict Resolution Checklist II

In our last issue we sent out a conflict resolution check list. In this issue we have another version of a check list. This list, taken in part from Thomas Crum, is divided into two sections: 1) Work to do on your own before the difficult conversation, and 2) the work to be done with the other person.

List of things for you to do on your own

1. Identity the emotions you are feeling and commit to suspend reacting from your emotions.

2. Ask, “What can I learn from this?”, “What buttons of mine are being pushed and where do those buttons come from?” Look at your conflict triggers. Don’t think about what you can say or do to win or be right.

3. Commit to not confronting the other person when you are off balance or when your goal is to win, or make them wrong.

4. Look at your contribution to the conflict and commit to taking responsibility for it with the other person.

5. Consider what to say and how to say it. Practice, practice, practice.

List to do with the other person

1. Pick a time and a location that is conducive to good communication.

2. Acknowledge specifically what does work.

3. State your long-term goal in a positive way. The goal should not be about what you don’t want, but rather about the most positive future you can imagine. (“I want to have this conversation with you, even though I am nervous about it, because I want to work in a stress free environment and I think we can achieve that.” Or “. . . because I want to have an authentic, long-term friendship with you.”)

4. Invite them to have a conversation and tell them the topic.

5. Deliver the message by:
a. Telling them what you discovered about yourself.
b. Using “I statements” be conscious of:
i. Communicating emotions after saying “I feel . . .
ii. Describing the actions that trigger your emotions and not juding theml.

6. Ask them how they see things and then listen to them without interrupting.

7. Problem solve with them by asking what you could do differently.

8. When you think you have reached a decision, restate it to them to make sure you are both agreeing to the same outcome.

9. Talk about what to do when things go wrong in the future.

10. Come back to envisioning the future (number three).

Taken in part from the work of Thomas Crum, The Magic of Conflict video IV

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