“Peanuts aren’t nuts. Whales aren’t fish. Tomatoes aren’t vegetables. And attributions, judgments, and accusations aren’t feelings.” Difficult Conversations by Stone, Patton and Heen. (p. 97)

Barriers to Listening

It is rare for people to feel really listened to and still experience conflict as a negative experience. So, it seems that it would be easy to keep conflict from escalating by just listening. However, listening is one of those activities that is easier said than done. In this e-zine I identify the most powerful barriers to listening and talk about ways to overcome them.

Strong emotions

In our culture we often don’t deal with emotions honestly. Either we pretend that we don’t have emotions because we think we need to “stick to the facts,” or we act out our emotions. If we use the first strategy we are in denial; if we use the second, we tend to dump our emotions on others unfairly. Neither of these strategies is effective, and most of us are not aware of it when we do them.

I recently coached a manager about a conflict in which she was involved. When it became clear that she had strong feelings about the conflict, I asked her if she had communicated her feelings to the other party. She said, “Yes, I told them how I felt. I told them I felt they were rude and inconsiderate.” This manager truly thought this statement was telling the other party how she felt. In truth, it was more “telling them off.” Judgments, character assassinations, and accusations are not feelings and will not help resolve a conflict. Owning our feelings, without blaming the other person for them, can help free us to listen better.

I once mediated a dispute between two doctors. They called me after they had decided that they could no longer work together. Both strong- willed, they had gotten into a dispute about vacation time. The “last straw” for one of the parties was when the other announced he had consulted an attorney. I asked how the first party felt when she heard the other had called an attorney. “I felt threatened, scared and angry,” she replied. The other doctor said that he also felt “threatened, scared and angry.” We then talked about how it would have been different if he had been able to name his feelings instead of calling a lawyer. Both parties said they probably would not be ending their relationship if this had happened.

In owning feelings use this simple formula:

“When you" ____________________________________________________
(describe the person’s behavior)

"I feel" _________________________________________________________
(describe your own feelings using feeling words)

"I would like" ___________________________________________________”
(request something from the other person)

While people in conflict can feel very vulnerable talking about their feelings with the other party, the alternatives to doing so are not only not helpful, they often escalate a conflict.

For more information about our services, click the following links:

Divorce Mediaiton

Organizational Consulting

Elder Care Mediation

Parent Youth Mediation (free to residents of Cheshire County)

Upcoming Trainings

__________________________________________

Greg Hessel, Director
Cheshire Mediation
181 Washington Street
Keene, NH 03431
ghessel@mfs.org
603-357-6873
800-757-3887 in New England

(c) 2002 Cheshire Mediation. All rights reserved. You are free to use material from the Conflict Management Monday e-Zine in whole or part as long as you include complete attribution, including live web site link and e-mail link. Please notify Cheshire Mediation when and where the material will appear.

__________________________________________

Please feel free to pass Conflict Management Monday along to any associate you feel may benefit form this information.

To subscribe to our other publication, Great Meetings Monday, click here

To unsubscribe to this publication click the link in the right column