If I am bothered it is my problem.
If you are bothered, it is your problem.
If we care about each other's feelings it is our problem

"I statements" and why they sometimes don't work

Many people have heard of and are using "I statements". This is a tool to help communicate difficult feelings without blaming the other party. For those who are not familiar with "I statements" they involve using the following simple formula:

The format:

"When you . . . " ____________________________________________________
(describe the person's behavior)

"I feel . . ." _________________________________________________________
(describe your own feelings using feeling words)

"I would like. . ." ___________________________________________________"
(request something from the other person)

Where things go wrong:

1. Often "descriptions" of the other person's behavior are really evaluations or subjective judgments about them. For example, "When you leave the kitchen a mess . . ." is an evaluation. This statement might lead someone to respond by saying it is not really a "mess." When people think they are being judged or evaluated they are more likely to get defensive. But saying, "When you don't wash your breakfast dishes . . ." is an observation. The more descriptive the first sentence is the more likely it is that the other person will not get defensive.

2. We often don't express a feeling after we say, "I feel". For example, "I feel this is stupid", or "I feel like you don't care," or even "I feel you lack some skills to do the job" are not feeling statements. Notice what follows when you say, "I feel." If it is not a feeling it is more likely the other person will become defensive.

3. We often think we are making a request, when we are really making a demand. When we make a request the other person is always free to say yes or no to it.

When people use "I" statements the focus is on their feelings. They take responsibility for their feelings rather than act them out. No one can "make" us feel anything. By accepting that our feelings are our own responsibility, we make it less likely that others will become defensive.